From my “Facebook Note” on April 10, 2010.
Well. I don’t know what made me do it. I am sure it is because of my love for the show and not for my “talent.” Or lack thereof. I auditioned for the TV show “Glee.” If you are unsure of what that TV show is, shame on you! Google it. It is the best show ever…[sorry M*A*S*H and Andy Griffith fans].
I arrived at the mall at 7:00 am to find out what was going on. Nothing. No one was there yet! Darnit. Could have slept in another hour. Well, I used that time to practice my monologue and make my hair look good. First impressions, ya know! I then started seeing people straggle by the store. I looked outside and there were like, 20 people standing in line! “Shoot! It’s here,” I thought. I was so nervous. Here’s a picture of me. Totally Gleeable, right?
At 9:00 am, my friend, Heather, gently shoved me out into the cold, brisk morning to stand in line. I got behind this nice lady who was holding the space for her daughter. The daughter was in the car keeping warm! Ha! So we waited as the line filed in behind me [met great friends behind me, too]. At approximately 11:30, they passed out the “Glee” audition release forms and gave us numbers, so we could go get warm. It was a good thing, because my hands were numb from the cold and could barely write on the sheet! I handed over my sheet to the “line coordinator” [he had a slight lisp]. WHOA! WAIT!
In line, all of us Gleeks were talking show talk and rumors and spoilers and such! Spoiler alert: They are auditioning for two male roles and only one female role for season two of the show. Male role #1: Mercedes’ boyfriend. Male role #2: Kurt’s boyfriend. [These are roles I wanted anywhoo!] Female Role: Eve Harrington-type to take down Rachel. In other words, the new girl has to be ON HER GAME! In line: about 135 girls; 15 boys. I happened to be the oldest… eeek! But I shaved to make myself appear high-school-ish.
Ok, back to the line. I gave my paper to Mr. Lispy and I was number 35. Ok, I thought. About 1:10ish, I’ll be auditioning. It’s cool. I saw Frank, the mall manager, and he asked me if I was auditioning. “Nope. Just stood here in the 30 degree windy weather to see what business is like.” Here’s your sign. Although, once I told him yes, he was super nice and told me good luck. He then proceeded to tell like everyone in the mall, too. Everywhere I went, Mall employees were wishing me luck for the audition. Thanks, Frank. You are no longer a terd.
So, I hate waiting. HATE IT! I always prefer to go first, because I then don’t have to wait and psych myself out. About 1:00, I headed to the Audition space and heard they were only at number 14! 14! Are you serious?! Uhg. More waiting. It’s okay though. About that time, my friend, Courtney, came to be my line waiting buddy. I did my monologue for her and she loved it! She thought it was much better than the piece I had thought about doing the night before. [Sorry, Dan; thanks for being there though.]
I went to get a Mt. Dew, to take the edge off. Thanks to Lindsey for suggesting that little piece of heaven! When we made our way back from the Food Court, we found out that they auditions were running too long and they split the judges up into two rooms. So they started lining people up. Unfortunate soul, number 31 was no where to be found, so they just bumped us up. That means I was number 34! [Mrs. Maxie knowers and fans UNITE!]. The stars were aligning.
I found myself outside the room with only one person ahead of me now… oh jeeze! Here we go!
Hi! How are you guys doing?
—–”Grumble, grumble, grumble,” went the two judges. “What’s your number?”
35. (SMILE) My name is Tim Green. [blank stares from the judges]
Umm… well, I guess you want to know why I want to be a part of “Glee?” I know that everyone is saying that they love the show. I do too. I also love it because everyone can be themselves and are underdogs. That’s just like me. I am living my life now like I can do anything. I also love it because there are boys in the club. I was one of three guys in my high school choir and to be in a glee club with more guys would be awesome!
[blank stares from the judges]
Ok. So I guess I’ll do my monologue now.
Yes, I need to get some (Lowering voice.) condoms.
(Beat. Clearing throat, louder.) Condoms.
(Beat.) Uh, what kinds have you got? I can’t really see — I’m extremely nearsighted.
(Beat.) Uh huh. Glow in the dark?! This isn’t Halloween! I don’t want to scare her, for God’s sake! I think I’ll go with Trojans.
(Beat.) No, I don’t need the econo-pack. Not that I don’t need it. I just prefer to buy them in small quantities. Ya know, keep ‘em fresh.
(Beat) Size? Well, you better give me the extra large. (Beat.) Of course I’m sure. This isn’t like the first time I’ve bought condoms or anything. I buy them all the time. Constantly. Sometimes twice a day. Not that I sleep around. I would never do that.
It’s just me and my girl. Uh, Ma’am? Do these come with directions?
[one or two smiles from the judges...then blank stares]
Welp, I’ll sing my song now!
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
Ive been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that Im following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone Id never find
And even as I wander Im keeping you in sight
Youre a candle in the window on a cold, dark winters night
And Im getting closer than I ever thought I might
And I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
Its time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
Cause I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I cant fight this feeling anymore.
[blank stares from the judges..."Thank you," they said.]
Well, good luck with everyone else today and thanks for the time!
And I walked out with the biggest sigh of relief ever!
The judges are now going to get together and pick a top winner. That ONE person will go to the FOX53 studios and tape their audition with lighting, and makeup, and hair, and complete awesome-ness. That ONE person will get a phone call by Monday to see if they made it. Then their ONE tape will be sent to the hands of the executive producers to be considered with the other casting tapes from around the country.